To the Dreamers

I want to do everything and I want to do nothing.

I want things to be easy, too easy, for example, I sit to write a post and the words would just flow without me having to think a lot about them and it wouldn’t need a lot of editing but real life isn’t like that and it’s okay and completely normal, but, my God, do I start to avoid things when they start to get a tiny little bit hard and uncomfortable.

When I’m at work I’m thinking about all the things I’ll do when I get home but then I get home and I just don’t want to do them. All I want to do is to watch TV, watch YouTube videos or play silly mobile games and not think about life and me.

Avoiding is how I deal with being uncomfortable and it’s a pain let me tell you. How do I change when I avoid everything? I need to face things and I know that. In theory I know everything I need to do but how do I put those things in practice?

You’d think that if something bothers me that much I would just change but no no, it feels like I can’t change no matter how much I want it. I don’t do the things I need to do to change, I don’t put in the work, I guess the uncomfortableness is worse than how I currently feel. At the end of the day as bad as I feel it’s familiar and there is comfort in familiarity even if it’s not a good thing.

I also have the mindset of if I didn’t try I didn’t fail and I know some people could consider that as a failure as well but even if it is, it’s not because I’m not good enough, I just didn’t try.

And it’s really frustrating, because why am I like this? Clearly, something is wrong with me, but what? What is it and how can I address it?

I wrote and published the first post for this blog, so yey me, but now to keep writing other posts, I already started avoiding and procrastinating and I have so many ideas I want to bring to the 3D and I can’t, I just can’t and it’s so stupid because of course I can, but I can’t.

With that being said, I really do want to change myself and my life and I want to make an effort to post once per week, and maybe it won’t be my ideas for content and instead will be just my thoughts and feelings like an online diary.