To the Dreamers

  • Should I Start a Club?

    A month has passed and I keep doing nothing. I have so many ideas and I create so much in my head but when it’s time to bring them to the 3D I get paralysed, not physically but mentally, you know?

    I’ve thought about starting a group or club where me and other people would work together to achieve our dreams and goals, like an accountability and support club I guess, I think doing things with people could really benefit me and motivate me to do those things but literally no one follows this blog, so like do I wait until I have more people? Or do I start with just myself? That sounds a little sad doesn’t it but I do need to learn to rely on myself.

    The idea would be: every week we would set a goal or intention and then the next week we would review and reflect on the past week and set the goal/intention for the week ahead. Could also be a monthly goal/intention with weekly reviews. I would post my goals and the reflections here on a post and then we would move to a discord group where we could chat, and encourage each other and people could meet other people with similar goals and could help each other, etc. I think it could also be great for networking and community building.

    It could be called “The Dreamers Club” a club where we dream and wonder and work for our dream and whimsical lives.

    Does that sound cheesy as hell or what? But I like it, it’s cute. 

    Well at least I like it until I start to overthink it.

    Whenever I set goals I tend to not review them and then I kind of forget about them, so I think having a weekly commitment of reflecting, even if it’s just for the void, could be really helpful and keep me aware and on top of the things that I want and need to do.

    That means I will start posting weekly reflections here and if people want to join me then we can create the actual club.

  • Filler Post

    Another week has passed, another week I procrastinated and did nothing for my dreams.

    Even I am tired of myself and this behaviour, like, girl get a grip.

    This post is pretty much garbage, but I know if don’t post something I will just end up giving up like usual, so this is it, bye.

  • I want to do everything and nothing at the same time

    I want to do everything and I want to do nothing.

    I want things to be easy, too easy, for example, I sit to write a post and the words would just flow without me having to think a lot about them and it wouldn’t need a lot of editing but real life isn’t like that and it’s okay and completely normal, but, my God, do I start to avoid things when they start to get a tiny little bit hard and uncomfortable.

    When I’m at work I’m thinking about all the things I’ll do when I get home but then I get home and I just don’t want to do them. All I want to do is to watch TV, watch YouTube videos or play silly mobile games and not think about life and me.

    Avoiding is how I deal with being uncomfortable and it’s a pain let me tell you. How do I change when I avoid everything? I need to face things and I know that. In theory I know everything I need to do but how do I put those things in practice?

    You’d think that if something bothers me that much I would just change but no no, it feels like I can’t change no matter how much I want it. I don’t do the things I need to do to change, I don’t put in the work, I guess the uncomfortableness is worse than how I currently feel. At the end of the day as bad as I feel it’s familiar and there is comfort in familiarity even if it’s not a good thing.

    I also have the mindset of if I didn’t try I didn’t fail and I know some people could consider that as a failure as well but even if it is, it’s not because I’m not good enough, I just didn’t try.

    And it’s really frustrating, because why am I like this? Clearly, something is wrong with me, but what? What is it and how can I address it?

    I wrote and published the first post for this blog, so yey me, but now to keep writing other posts, I already started avoiding and procrastinating and I have so many ideas I want to bring to the 3D and I can’t, I just can’t and it’s so stupid because of course I can, but I can’t.

    With that being said, I really do want to change myself and my life and I want to make an effort to post once per week, and maybe it won’t be my ideas for content and instead will be just my thoughts and feelings like an online diary.

  • A New Beginning

    Ever since my early teenage years, I’ve had so many goals and dreams for the future ahead: became a dancer, a youtuber, rich, skinny, confident, be good at everything and the list goes on and on.

    And what things from that endless list did I achieve?

    Absolutely nothing.

    And why?

    Because I’m as insecure as there are grains of sand on a beach.

    I’m scared that people will judge me, that people I know will find out my content, scared of being seen both by other people and myself, that’s right I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin that you won’t hear me singing in the shower. There’s also the fear of not being good enough and of not being the best at something I tried for the first time, which is ridiculous, by the way, obviously if I never did something before I’m not going to become amazing at it in the first try, and I see other people trying things that they have never done before and I think it’s great, but me? Doing things for the first time and failing? Awful.

    And it’s so easy to fall and get stuck in the rabbit hole of: If I had that thing I would be happy and confident, if I had better skin, if I was skinny, if I had a lot money to buy cute clothes that fit me well, if I lived alone, etc, but the secret to confidence is literally one mind shift away, and that is why it’s so hard. *Internal scream* Like it’s so close, it’s right there, so close I can almost grasp it and yet it’s so far away. 

    In the past I’ve tried so many things, so many times and I always think this time it’s gonna be it, this time is gonna be different and if I keep trying someday I will get there but that’s not happening and it always has the same ending. I mean, to be honest I never fully committed to anything because I’m scared of not being good enough and of wasting my time, how do I know what is the right thing and the right path?

    But something needs to change because I’m tired of this life and I don’t want to feel like this forever.

    One of my biggest dreams is to become a content creator, and I’ve tried to force myself into doing it like I envisioned in my daydreams but in my daydreams I’m confident and I know what I’m doing and the truth is that that is the complete opposite of who I am right now and then I procrastinate because avoidance is how I deal with being uncomfortable and nothing gets done. 

    So, I’m taking a different approach. I’m starting this blog where I’ll create the same content as I would for youtube and other social media but in writing form, while it is still uncomfortable it’s nothing compared to recording my voice and filming myself. I’m also keeping my identity private which helps with the fear of people recognising me and as I get more comfortable I’ll start transitioning my content, maybe first I’ll do voiceovers and share photos and then I’ll finally make the filming content like I envisioned.

    Honestly, I feel really silly and kind of embarrassed to be writing this and to feel this way because it’s so stupid for these things to be so hard to do, even when I’m by myself but that is the truth, that is how I feel and I need to accept that if I want to change it.