To the Dreamers

Ever since my early teenage years, I’ve had so many goals and dreams for the future ahead: became a dancer, a youtuber, rich, skinny, confident, be good at everything and the list goes on and on.

And what things from that endless list did I achieve?

Absolutely nothing.

And why?

Because I’m as insecure as there are grains of sand on a beach.

I’m scared that people will judge me, that people I know will find out my content, scared of being seen both by other people and myself, that’s right I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin that you won’t hear me singing in the shower. There’s also the fear of not being good enough and of not being the best at something I tried for the first time, which is ridiculous, by the way, obviously if I never did something before I’m not going to become amazing at it in the first try, and I see other people trying things that they have never done before and I think it’s great, but me? Doing things for the first time and failing? Awful.

And it’s so easy to fall and get stuck in the rabbit hole of: If I had that thing I would be happy and confident, if I had better skin, if I was skinny, if I had a lot money to buy cute clothes that fit me well, if I lived alone, etc, but the secret to confidence is literally one mind shift away, and that is why it’s so hard. *Internal scream* Like it’s so close, it’s right there, so close I can almost grasp it and yet it’s so far away. 

In the past I’ve tried so many things, so many times and I always think this time it’s gonna be it, this time is gonna be different and if I keep trying someday I will get there but that’s not happening and it always has the same ending. I mean, to be honest I never fully committed to anything because I’m scared of not being good enough and of wasting my time, how do I know what is the right thing and the right path?

But something needs to change because I’m tired of this life and I don’t want to feel like this forever.

One of my biggest dreams is to become a content creator, and I’ve tried to force myself into doing it like I envisioned in my daydreams but in my daydreams I’m confident and I know what I’m doing and the truth is that that is the complete opposite of who I am right now and then I procrastinate because avoidance is how I deal with being uncomfortable and nothing gets done. 

So, I’m taking a different approach. I’m starting this blog where I’ll create the same content as I would for youtube and other social media but in writing form, while it is still uncomfortable it’s nothing compared to recording my voice and filming myself. I’m also keeping my identity private which helps with the fear of people recognising me and as I get more comfortable I’ll start transitioning my content, maybe first I’ll do voiceovers and share photos and then I’ll finally make the filming content like I envisioned.

Honestly, I feel really silly and kind of embarrassed to be writing this and to feel this way because it’s so stupid for these things to be so hard to do, even when I’m by myself but that is the truth, that is how I feel and I need to accept that if I want to change it.